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Discussion in 'Contests' started by jaloos, Jul 28, 2014.
Q: What is blue and goes ding dong?
A: An Avon lady at the North Pole!
Fighting for peace is like having sex for virginity.
A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
"God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time."
Robin Williams 7/21/1951 - 8/11/2014
Gone but never forgotten, RIP
Stupid but funny.
And you have to love Calvin and Hobbes.
i have put on of these on a buddies jeep
Toyota tundras......... thats a joke
If you ever dyed your mullet camouflage, you might be a redneck
I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.
A blonde walks into a bar that has a sign marked: "For Men Only". "I'm sorry, ma'am," says the bartender. "We only serve men in this place." "That's OK, " says the blonde. "I'll take two of them..."
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.
“How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” To which he replied. “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
theres a Nun, a priest, and a soldier.They all get into a helicopter and they take off. The pilot says they are to heavy, he tells them to drop something or they will crash. The Nun drops a rosary, the priest drops his bible and the soldier drops a grenade. The the Nun arrives home and see her neighbor laying on the ground. She asks whats wrong, and he says "I was going out to get my paper and a rosary hit me on the head". The Priest arrives home and sees his neighbor laying on the ground and asks whats wrong. His neighbor says "i was going to get my mail and bible hit me on the head." The soldier arrives home and sees a kid laying on the laughing and asks whats so funny. The kid says "I farted at school and it blew up."
Whats the difference between a good woman an a good sports woman.
A good woman will let you take her cloths off,
An a good sport will take em off for you.
A young new preacher was preparing his first sermon to be delivered to his new congregation in a small rural town. Since he was new and he really wanted to impress his "flock" with the oratory and spiritual prowess he had learned at divinity school, he took extra care to prepare his Sunday message.Unfortunately on Sunday morning, when he awoke to prepare for his big day, he discovered that it had snowed the night before and the snow was three feet deep. But he reasoned that the people in this town were a hardy sort and would turn out for church, as usual.
When he arrived at the church, he was somewhat disappointed to find that only one person had shown up. He again reasoned that since this man had come to church in such bad weather conditions, the man must have been in need of a spiritual uplifting, so he decided to proceed with the full service. The man in the pew sat and listened attentively to the sermon, which lasted for about an hour and a half.
After the service, the preacher, proud that he had certainly "wowed" his listener, asked the man what he thought of the sermon. The man replied, "Well, preacher, the sermon was good but, I'm a farmer and, in weather like this, if I had taken a wagonload of hay out to the field to feed my cows and only one cow showed up, I certainly wouldn't have fed that cow the whole darn load!"